DOG BED Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose.
If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the regular Bump doesn't get the attention your require....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
CHILDREN Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your stump. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
No comments:
Post a Comment